i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
