its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
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I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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