why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
