I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
