First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
as a side note pls kill me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
