apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
