oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
