Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
