Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
