i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
