He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
