Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
