I just pynch a tree in the face
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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