i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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