I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
