you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
