You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
whose parrot is this?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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