How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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