Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
