Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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