I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
