My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
