Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
