I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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