Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
