soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
