Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
