I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
