the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
