I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
