Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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