She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
