i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
two words: eviction party
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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