My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
