Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
