I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.