DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
