my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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