So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
