I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
