My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
sex in a hospital.. check
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
