Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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