i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
