Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
