OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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