Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
