Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
