She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
