I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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