walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
