"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
