i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
