The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
