So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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