who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
